Dying

Around this time last year, I was closer to dying than I ever was… again.

(I know, geez Emily, that’s sooooo dramatic) *rolls eyes*

Whatev’s y’all, reflection is important for growth!

This time last year, I was admitted for intensive chemotherapy followed by a stem cell transplant (bone marrow transplant).

Things felt scary at that time with the type of chemotherapy that would have killed me if the donor cells never made the flight over to Hong Kong…

… and if my anaphylactic shock to a platelet transfusion was attended to any later than it was (hence why I strongly dislike hearing this from medics “let’s wait and see”)

Things felt pretty awful at that time where I questioned the point of continuing things at all… (yup, I went there, briefly)

I felt helpless, scared, ugly, lonely, drained from agony and pain.

As much as it sucked (ASS), those emotions contrast one major feeling today, and that is gratitude.

The elevated feeling of gratitude MOTIVATES me to OWN that DRIVER SEAT today!

How?

I choose peace over being bothered (assholes will get what they deserve, I don’t need to play God)

I choose ownership of MY priceless real estate (my mind) over letting squatters in with their noise.

I choose the freedom to love over obligation to.

It’s a hell of a ride but I’ve always had amazing support of my parents, siblings, friends, acquaintances and strangers-turned-new friends… Cheering me on!

The past 3 months in Spain turned out to be EXACTLY what I needed for my mental health and physiological health. While it was a continued process of ripping out the fucked up foundation to rebuild, time spent there had expedited the process, advancing to the stage of rewiring thoughts that actually serve me.

So, in a sense, the old Emily has died.

I’m birthing the new Emily

That’s mainly what this update video is about. Let me know your thoughts once you’ve watched it?