Mind the Smashing

Today, I felt closer to myself. 


Let’s elaborate. 

It has been years of hearing the word “meditation”.  Of course, I was constantly surrounding myself with millennial stimulants  If it weren’t for Youtube, I’d have music on, or a podcast, or consume social media, or something else that doesn’t give the mind a break.  They were fillers for my commute from one mentally intensive task to the next physically intensive work.  It wasn’t considered a good day unless my schedule was packed.  The mindset then was about making the most out of each hour, that I must be doing something productive, smashing goals ALL of the time.  I never thought that I might have been TOO busy BEING busy instead of actually being productive, not until the recent years. 



Since the diagnosis of Leukaemia, I found myself being alone more.  That doesn’t mean being free from physical companionship but I mean being free from the noise of social media, career expectations, and the chatter between my two lil’ ears.  Appreciating silence is something I found surprisingly pleasant.  For example, I’d much rather be reading and writingtyping without Spotify’s “productivity music” in the background, even most mornings are now started with silence.  Just this week, I found myself not adhering to the habit of putting headphones on the minute I leave the crib.  Typically, I’d put on a podcast or music first thing in the morning and when I prance down the chaotic streets of Central, Hong Kong.  I also realized I had never been fully present in the most mundane tasks, like walking and eating. 

(Image courtesy of Headspace)


I started learning the practice of meditation somewhere in late 2015 via the Headspace app.  Whether or not they are successful practices, I don’t know and didn’t bother assessing.  I just assumed that if I put in the work each day, I should see results sooner or later.  Yeah, feel free to smack me for the nonchalant attitude towards it.  I’ve only put in more effort since summer of 2016 and had one memorable experience in 2017. 

That was one lovely morning on the beach of San Juan in Alicante, Spain.  I had gotten up early to catch the tram, eager in catching the sunrise.  The beach was quiet with a few morning dippers and joggers tracking by the lapping water.  I found a spot to sit, facing the ocean.  The practice started with a little unease, feeling self-conscious about being stared at.  Once that was addressed, the practice became effortless, and I felt something incredibly different.  I remember that feeling as much as I can until present.  

Today is the second time I’ve felt something like that experience, possibly even more impactful, given my current state – thanks to Gianni’s guidance.  I finally met him today, who I found so easy-going when I had changed plans on him this morning (these peaks and drops in energy levels are making me flaky AF).  There is a rare aura of non-judgemental presence about him which made it easy trusting what he had to share.  It could be the current state of mind that I’m in, it could be my already lack stimuli from recent observations, it could be G’s aura and/or it could be something else entirely different.  Frankly, I don’t mind not justifying it.  Dude is legit.

I feel calm.  I feel light.  I feel at peace.  I feel no need to smash anything (metaphorically).

Sunrise at San Juan Beach, Alicante

Immensely grateful to have received such generosity from G, from Dee , and from Andrew, (who had both sung praises of G, also, I don’t know if he likes being referred to as “G” btw. *shrugs ).  They are souls who shared experiences that I see myself practicing for a LONG time, who have dug deep and seem to know how to #LoveHard .

Thank you again, amigos.

*Please click on their names and get to know them

If you’re like me and had once thought “yeah I’d like to try meditating but I just don’t think I could sit around that long, thinking of nothing”… no harm trying out guided apps or seek someone who can guide you in person.  I started with Headspace‘s 10 free sessions, found value in it and paid its subscription fee.  Come on, if Hulk can do it, so can you 😉

by TerryMooreArt on DevianArt


Published by Emily Lola Tan

I've been told that I'm tiny but tough, so I must have gotten SOME things right. On the inside, I feel like a mushy marshmellow who's a hopeless romantic and find corny cute. Writing "About Me" sections had evolved in the past x years of online profiles, currently, it sits at me still hungry for enlightening experiences and insightful traveling, particularly with human connections. My story at full length on the "About" page :) Thank you for poking around!

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